You know those moments when your day just feels off, where things are dragging by, and then a song comes on and for three-and-a-half glorious minutes things feel right and set your day off, be it ever so slightly, on a better path than it was before?….I’m in the midst of working 135hrs over two weeks and doing what I can to stay positive, this is a documentation of each song which has been an oasis.
So it’s been a hectic couple of weeks for me. I haven’t had much free time outside of work, not to mention I keep getting called into work on my days off, currently I’m fighting a nasty case of food poisoning from a less than respectable Chinese establishment, still there’s always good music to help things feel a little better.
[Download the entire Gold Under Pebbles zip file here]
“Talk” - mp3
It’s hard for friends to understand when I try explaining to them this absolute nausea I feel about New Year’s Eve. I go out, I appreciate being around the friends… I’m happy enjoying the moment with them, yet in the back of my mind is a swelling sadness, a wave so huge that by the time it overtakes me a month or two will pass before receding and allowing the optimism of spring to saturate my soul and bring me to my usual upbeat-self again.
Everyone else seems to be looking forward, like the countdown signifies a new opportunity, a clean slate, a beginning in which to move in positive directions. I feel that way every day, something I’m thankful for, but not on New Year’s Eve.
It’ an ominous shadow the feeling of time. I can’t help but look back and see time wasted, friends left or lost, all the paths that felt so right, so guided,which were merely empty alleyways leading to dead ends. We’re one year closer to seeing the light of youth burnt out, one year closer to feeling the decay within us of old age, one year closer to running out of new chances and new beginnings.
So usually I put those weighted feelings to the back of my mind and I enjoy the night in the most celebrated fashion until the ball drops, then without calling attention to myself I slip away from the party and drift back home and face those feelings alone so as to not bring others down. These are internal feelings and I have no desire to project into the environment around me when it would only have a negative affect on friends who are in such rare positive form.
Here’s the what I’ll be putting on tonight once I ease my way from the celebration, slip on my headphones and pass the night with the closest of my friends. I’m sure I can’t be the only one to feel this way so in some part this playlist is for you as well.
“You can live a long time
In such a little while.”
“We just can’t account for all the waiting and delays
I swear these people know they’re settling
why stand by these words you live and breathe”
“You say you’re sure
though you never are
there are always reminders
that there is a start
and there is an end
and that the two bare no relation
to the time you get
to secure some some rest
and to feel that you belong.
And the sun, it may set, but it will rise again.”
“A year from now we’ll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they’re goin’ to better places
But our friends will be gone away
Nothin’ is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it’s just as well
But I miss your face like hell
Been talkin’ ’bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don’t know what to make of this
Then we will not relate”
“So it seems this is all, all we can afford
and there’s no way we’ll ever make it out
this damn house, these damn walls will keep us here
so take me now, no one see’s me anyways
and I am a ghost
If you want I can show you where it all went wrong
the very spot in which the curtain got brought down”
“You and me connected
Unexpected in our drifting thoughts
But you still see him
And I am sinking in the storm of separation
Blinded of my senses
By the fear of unrequited love”
“Let’s page through this thesaurus
And find a better synonym for ‘loss’”
“watching terrible tv
it kills all thoughts
Getting spacier than
Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can’t believe what i do
Late at night”
“Falling out of touch with all
my friends are somewhere getting wasted
I hope they’re staying glued together
I have arms for them”
“You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here, I’m now, I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets”
“everyone’s in such a rush
and that’s why they fuck it up
living for their coffee breaks and crying over their mistakes
but normal people make me frustrated
normal people are overrated”
“You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan
And the next five years trying to be with your friends again”
“Because there’s a switch that gets hit and it all stops making sense.
And in the middle of drinks maybe the fifth or sixth
I’m completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing
Well I need a break from the city again
I think I’ll ship myself back west I got a friend there, she says
Unless that offer’s expired I have been less than frequent
She’s under no obligation to indulge every whim
And I’m so ungrateful, I take… she gives and forgives
And I keep forgetting it
And each morning she wakes with a dream to describe
Something lovely that bloomed from her beautiful mind
I said “I’ll trade you one for two nightmares of mine
I have some where I die
I have some where we all die”
I’m thinking of quitting drinking again
I know I said that a couple of times
And I’m always changing my mind. Well, I guess I am
But there’s this burn in my stomach and there’s this pain in my side
And when I kneel at the toilet and the morning’s clean light
Pours in through the window
Sometimes I pray I don’t die
I’m a goddamn hypocrite
But the night rolls around
And it all starts making sense
There is no right way or wrong way
You just have to live
And so I do what I do
And at least I exist
What could mean more than this?
What could mean more?”
“ we could simply pack our bags
And catch a plane to Barcelona ’cause this city’s a drag”
“and the elders leave from their mercury beds
and they’re plagued with age
and they’re spent with tread
but volumes speak of love they spilled
overflowed or overkilled
and given in to gravity
they fall so hard it hurts to see
and we’ll sweep us the ashes
spread ‘em out across the gravel range
and this burning wheel they’ve bound us to
we’ll roll on, we’ll roll on all the same”
“But no matter how hard you try
No, you can’t put the tears
Back into your eyes”
“and if you love ,well that should be enough
instead it turns your joy int0 sorrow
and i cant breath with the dust of retreat
im choking on the fumes of my wayward back”
“You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I’m not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident
On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn’t break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed”
Is it just me or is “Auld Lang Syne” one of the saddest songs. Why do people sing it like it’s a celebration then? Leave it to the Scots I Guess. Maybe my being scottish has something to do with my somber feelings since that’s where the song originated, maybe the answer lies somewhere in my heritage.
If you’ve never heard the actual song this is not it. This is just an INCREDIBLE song from a local band that incorporates some of the key elements and message into it.
Here’s the actual lyrics the traditional Auld Lang Syne
“Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
on Old long syne.
- On Old long syne my Jo,
in Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
on Old long syne.
My Heart is ravisht with delight,
when thee I think upon;
All Grief and Sorrow takes the flight,
and speedily is gone;
The bright resemblance of thy Face,
so fills this, Heart of mine;
That Force nor Fate can me displease,
for Old long syne.
Since thoughts of thee doth banish grief,
when from thee I am gone;
will not thy presence yield relief,
to this sad Heart of mine:
Why doth thy presence me defeat,
with excellence divine?
Especially when I reflect
on Old long syne”
All songs are for promotional purposes. If you or an artist you represent would like to have content removed email me at email@example.com
So it looks like I am FINALLY moving to Austin!
If things even remotely go close to plan I’ll be out of the cold and out of this city by March 1st. Emotions are mixed as they always are when leaving one place behind to face something completely unknown but I’m a major advocate for change and more-so pro anti-regrets.
To everyone that’s made Broad Ripple truly feel like home I owe a huge thank you for helping the last six years be full of memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life, it’s time for a new beginning, it’s time to find myself.
The downside of Indiana has always been it’s admiration towards settling. It hurts me to see everyone so content without ever truly living there lives, perpetuating a consumer culture that sickens me, not even attempting to find themselves or understand who they are or the world they choose to take no part in. Although it’s hard leaving close friends and family behind it would be much harder to watch the rest of my life pass me by without experiencing those things I dream of when I’m awake and have held me with one foot out of the door for my entire life.
Since there’s never been a moment I haven’t felt the need to make a playlist for this obviously goes without exception. I’ll have another mixtape up for the drive out but these are the songs that came to mind immediately when I made the decision of fully committing to leaving the sorrowful midwest behind.
This one doesn’t exactly fit with the ethos of this weeks playlist but I mentioned this song the other night in conversation and said I’d put it up on my next post for them to check out.
All songs are for promotional purposes. If you or an artist you represent would like content removed email me at Heycoolkid@yahoo.com