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Masochistic Masterpiece: Rhinestone

16 Jul

Rhinestone

Director: Bob Clark

Writer: Sylvester Stallone | Phil Alden Robinson

Staring: Dolly Parton & Sylvester Stallone

Year: 1984

HCK! Rating: “I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me”

Favorite Quote: “You’d have thought we all got together and decided how we could fastest ruin our careers.” – Sylvester Stallone when asked about the film years later

Distributor: Twentieth Century Fox

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Where to start on this glorious display of raw artistic brilliance. Sylvester Stallone took one of Phil Alden Robinson‘s (Field of Dreams | Sneakers)  scripts and dry humped it with boxing shorts while watching Dallas reruns. Stallone butchered it so badly, Robinson fought to have his name removed before the studio persuaded him that the twenty-eight million dollar budget and the “caliber’ of cast guaranteed it would be foolish not to have his name attached to the final product.

The concept is simple; Dolly Parton is locked into a singing contract with some sleazeball sexually-condescending bar owner and may have finally figured a way out of it. The bar is known for ripping any new singer apart who attempts the stage leaving Parton to carry the weight of being the only talent to fill the place; our first taste of this comes Continue reading

Masochistic Masterpiece: Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare

2 Oct

Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare

Director: John Fasano

Writer: Jon-Mikl Thor

Year: 1987

HCK! Rating: “Hurts So Good”

Favorite Quote: “Let’s tune our weapons!”

Distributor: Academy Entertainment

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I spend as much of my spare life seeking out the most awful movies ever made as I do tracking down new bands , I think it’s time I started sharing them. We’re not just talking the run of the mill, Mark Wahlberg is screaming at alien robots, kind of  bad movies, these are the deeper, “who in the hell was this made for”  painful, confusing, ridiculous type where time and existence melt and bend until nothing but a sea of unanswered questions brings you as close to a Timothy Leary level of consciousness as a mere mortal can get.

So where to start? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for weeks. With October finally here and my inner child geeking about Halloween I might as well make this first month dedicated to horror films. I can’t imagine a better one to start with than Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare. Continue reading

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